Movie Critic: Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

It’s a Grimm fairy tale to to double ‘M.’ The movie gave a coaster ride for me before it even came out. I saw the rumors of a Hansel and Gretel movie I was stoked. Than the first trailer came out and I was at the peak of excitement. Then the red ban trailer was released and that’s when the coaster began to slow. It wasn’t until I previewed the French version of the trailer that I began to realize exactly what kind of movie it would be. When it was released to theaters I wasn’t first in line for sure like I will be for “Lone Ranger” but more hesitant to even read into it. Critics simply said “Oh no.” while fans simply said “Oh yes.” But as multiple people told me “When you go see it tell me what you think” and I realized my opinion of movies and critical view entertained friends and family. So I agreed to go see it. You want it straight: I liked it. If you want more... you can keep reading.

The plot wasn’t shallow but it wasn’t exactly tangled either. The predictable twist was kept at bay as the fighting and war cries kept a fast pace, preoccupying the viewer and keeping them from that disheartening ‘oh i totally called that’ moment. The ‘children are being kidnapped’ has a deja vu from “The Brother’s Grimm” except with added blood. Cue the cheddar. Yes it’s somewhat a bloody movie. Nowhere near as bad as 13th warrior but the special effect crew definitely spent their money on starch. The dramatic blood splattering and people exploding was in every action shot. The action was the choppy ‘shaky shake’ you seen in the Bourne movies only pausing to emphasize there’s blood on that wall. Fast pace people... keep up!  

The characters depth seemed to be avoided and the only real faces you saw were that of the main characters and even then there was a disconnection between the them and the viewer. The dynamic between the two characters themselves seemed a bit thin with many different factors hinted at... yet not expanded on. Even more awkwardly the relationship between the two seemed to wobble dangerously between affectionate siblings and repressed love affair. Again only hinted. The siblings characters could have taken to a great comical relief, but was drowned in cursing and fighting and holding an out of era gun over their shoulder. The children portraying a younger version of Hansel and Gretel, I think was what bothered me the most. But their acting careers are still young so I’ll end that before we even take a bite of that gingerbread house.

CGI was fabulous but apparently the Troll was last in line and the software broke down. Whereas the witches are half baked mutated, horrifically detailed deformities... the troll is reduced something close to a mix of the muppets and latex.

It’s bluntly obviously the movie was not out to win awards. It was simply made for the fans hinting at an ‘in your face’ feel to critics. A mere 88 minutes the movie seemed cut down to keep the fast pace, and possibly pulling out what might have submerged the movie into a critic worthy review. The movie was made purely for the fans of your hardcore Grimm stories. Where I don’t think they used the F-word in those time, it was in place, again, for the fans view of ‘Bad-ass witch hunter’s’ persona. The full nudity (as always) wasn’t needed. It was shallow yes... but depth seemed overruled as the director seemed to be covering his basics more that building a masterpiece.  By the end of the movie... it was awfully entertaining. One in ten... it get’s a five. (For perspective, I’ll rate 3:10 to Yuma a four, Cowboys and Aliens a 6, and Avatar and 7 and the Hobbit and 8.)